It felt like we slept forever...
Well not slept exactly, lay there...
I was on one bed and he was on the other...
He wore this long sleeved t shirt and was curled up like a child who was afraid...
Axel used to look so strong lying there he looked broken.
He looked like maybe he'd never open his eyes again.
Like he'd given up on life not quite that he'd die but that he'd be perfectly okay with lying there until he did.
I just watched his back that was turned to me for hours, hours and hours that felt like days...
Then slowly something took control of my limbs and I moved to the edge of my bed and pushed my feet off to the edge.
I stood up and unsure of myself walked to him, I lay down beside him on my back my shoulder touching his shoulder blade, just to let him know I was there still...
And before I knew what was going on, his head was against my chest and his sobs were echoing through my body and it was all I could do not to kiss him in his awful state...
I wanted to be the one who could make him smile...
The one who could make it better...
I wanted to be the one that could kiss him and make him forget everything.
But I knew that person wasn't me...
So I lay there, in vain hope that maybe my presence would make his pain even a little more bearable...
Demyx awoke early the next morning Axel still laying on his chest...
His ribs hurt a little, but he didn't dare move, this was the first proper sleep Axel had gotten in days...
Demyx wasn't about to take that away from him, so he took his hand and stroked the red spikes that were tickling his chin with every breath either of them took.
He thought he could possibly live this way...
If Axel never woke up he would be happy to hold him like this forever, but like all things, his slumber came to an end, his acid green eyes blinked open and for a moment Demyx thought he saw the old Axel in there, but when his eyes opened it was too late, the pain had already kicked in like a drug to keep him down.
The blonde teen knew that being down too wouldn't help...
So he smiled and tried to make it look as natural as possible.
"Morning Axel."
The redhead nodded and rolled off Demyx's chest and stretched a little then wiped his eyes.
"Morning..."
Demyx stopped smiling.
"How are you feeling?"
Axel shrugged.
"Pretty shitty... I think I'm still kinda half asleep and it hasn't quite kicked in yet... Give it a few minutes and the misery will kick in again..."
He looked over at Demyx and laughed a tiny bit.
/Did he just laugh?/
Axel raised an eyebrow sleepily and stretched some more.
"Oh come on... I'm trying to make light of the situation here, trying to make it seem like nothing. Indulge me for fuck sake!"
Demxy couldn't help but laugh a tiny bit, despite the fact that he was emotionally screwed he was still able to laugh about it.
"Well... Do you fancy doing something today? Or... I dunno... What do you want to do today?"
Axel shrugged.
"I dunno..."
He spotted a picture of Zexion and himself on a shelf and slowly reached past Demyx to make their smiling faces watch the black wooden shelf.
"Ugh... Maybe we should spend the day clearing my room of all these reminders..."
His face changed to sadness again and he laughed slightly.
"See? I told you the misery would come back..."
Axel sank to the floor tears running down his face.
"This is why I hate making picture perfect memories with people... They're painful enough to think about... But when you actually have them there in your hand looking at you... You can't convince yourself it never existed... Because it did and thats the proof."
Demyx sat down beside him and put his arms around his neck pulling him to himself to comfort him, but at the last second Axel turned his head and kissed Demyx softly on the lips, he looked Demyx in the eyes for a moment then he stood up and started taking the pictures down off his shelves like nothing had just happened.
The blonde boy was gobsmacked but stood up and started taking pictures down too...
Axel would stop now and then and take a long look at a picture, or touch the glass, tears were streaming down his cheeks as he put them into a box...
The redhead was taking a good long look at one picture when Demyx tapped him lightly on the shoulder.
"So what do you want to do with these throw em out? Put em away?"
Axel shook his head.
"I could never throw these pictures away... Like it or not, he'll always be a part of me... Hes been a huge part of my life for years now... Thats why I think coming to terms with him not being around is gonna be so hard..."
"Well... How do you think he feels about this... Surely this can't be easy on him either?"
The redhead shook his head.
"Zexion's always been alone... Hes been dependent on no one for a long long time..."
Demyx thought for a moment.
"What about you? Or Marl..."
Axel shot him a look that made him stop dead in his tracks.
"No one... Not for a long time..."
"What about his parents? Does he have any brothers or sisters?"
"His parents only had him and they're never there... Haven't been since he was... Maybe eleven... They phase in and out... But he hates them. I'm the only real stability he's ever had."
Demyx wondered if he should ask questions or keep his mouth shut Axel seemingly reading his mind answered his question.
"Marluxia came into the picture when we were together about a year... We were at this party having a few drinks... Cocky bastard thought he could have anyone at that party and he approched us, I told him where to go. I thought that was that... Then Zexion disappeared for a while and came back all giggly... I thought he was just drunk... Didn't think anything of it, brought him home... He told me that he'd had a line of coke I went pretty crazy... But he convinced me that he'd never touch it again and I believed him..."
He went very silent after that, reflective...
"Then he was disappearing late at night... I didn't think much of it at first... He kept coming home in that same giggly stupid state... I convinced myself it was nothing... I stayed up one night and waited on him to come back he came in at 5 am, he was giggly and stupid and puked a few times... He was so out of it he didn't think I'd noticed how out of it he was."
He threw the picture he'd been holding into the box.
"I demanded to know who was supplying him and pleaded with him to stop doing it... But anytime I mentioned it he just got angry... And occasionally violent... Which is something he wasn't before he started taking that shit... Hes been in and out of rehab 4 times... Gotten clean, come back to me and then left the house late at night to get more... Everytime he promised it'd be different... It never was..."
Axel sighed deeply stifling a sob.
"He got into debt with Marluxia... Who made him an offer which seemed to solve all his problems, he said the debt would be dropped if he slept with him... Zexion did, then told me. I went crazy, I wanted to kill Marluxia... But Zexion promised he'd stop taking it now and that was it. He was never doing it again... But before long his cravings got the better of him... He was out of money but needed some to stop himself coming down so fast, he needed to stop slowly he'd said... So that he wouldn't notice and therefore wouldn't miss it, he said Marluxia would give it to him and let him off until he had the cash... But when he arrived home there were bruises all over his hips his neck and his shoulders and he was out of it again..."
The redhead paused...
"I guess you could say we attracted each other because of our situations... Both pretty hopeless cases... Both orphans you could say..."
He looked thoughtfully into space for a time then continued to place things into the box, he seemed calmer, like he'd just dropped a suitcase full of bricks to its destination and was walking away from it enjoying his new found lightness.
Demyx was trying to get around what he'd just been told when Axel walked towards the bathroom.
"I'll be out in a sec..."
He went in and sat down on the toilet lid taking the razor from where he'd left it on the sink.
/What did I ever do to you that was so bad? Was I not always good to you? You never fucking loved me... It was all lies.../
Slowly he pulled the blade up his arm gritting his teeth against the pain.
"Fuck fuck fuck..."
The words escaped his mouth in small gasps of breath, he dropped the blade to the ground and dizzily enjoying the adrenaline rush grinned and let himself fall back against the back of the toilet.
His breathing was heavy.
"Axel? Axel?"
"Y-yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah... I'm fine... I'll just be a second..."
"Alrighty... Just wanted to know where you want me to put this stuff..."
"Uhm... Just dump it into the bottom of the closet..."
He was feeling a little dizzy and blood was dripping down his hand he quickly washed his arm off looking at his reflection with disgust.
/When did you become so weak?/
He opened the door and walked out of the bathroom.
Demyx looked up.
"Okay they're all in the closet like you wanted..."
The blonde stared at the redheads hand for a moment and Axel quickly crossed his arms then he noticed the blood dripping down his sleeve and quickly turned back towards the bathroom.
"Axel..."
He stopped momentarily half wanting to explain but his pride and secret shame wouldn't allow him to, so he went into the bathroom and locked the door, pulling open the medicine cabinet he found clean white bandages, he bandaged his arm up tightly to stop the bloodflow and after a few minutes of deciding what to do next opened the bathroom door and without even looking at Demyx turned on the playstation and threw him a controller, his eyes stared blankly at the screen...
Demyx placed the controller on the bed and sat beside Axel and spoke softly.
"Maybe you can't explain this to me right now... I know I'm not Zexion... I know I'll never replace him... Perhaps no one ever will... But I hope one day you'll at least learn to trust me..."
With that he picked up the controller and started to play the computer with Axel...
Who despite staring at the screen was taking in a lot more than he was letting on...
/Why does Demyx even care... It makes no sense that he does... He doesn't even know me.../
He could see Demyx reflected in the tv screen, innocent...
/I don't think he knows what hes getting himself in for.../
Demyx looked over in his direction wide eyed and curious.
/If only I knew what you were feeling... Thinking... And if only I had the guts to tell you what I am too.../
Both sat in silence for the rest of the night the only noise filling the room was the tapping of buttons and an occasional yawn...
They stayed that way until Axel realised Demyx had fallen asleep, he shook his head smiling despite himself and picking him up put him gently onto his bed and crawled on behind him wrapping his arms around the blonde teen.
"Thanks for being here Demyx... I dunno how I'd deal without you... Night..."
He pulled Demyx close to his chest and fell asleep safe in the knowledge that even if Zexion didn't really care about him...
Maybe just maybe he'd found someone who did...
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